So many years have past since Mum died I hated knowing the cancer was not curable & just waiting for her to die, some times I just wished it would be over with
I struggled to visit her in hospital I have had problems with "nerves" for a long time I would shuffle about wild crazy thoughts rush through my mind - how will I get out of here & fighting a strong urge to just run outside once I had taken Dad to visit & waited in the car he came outside & together we went in along the scary corridors to a ward & a room at the end there was Mum I could not help being jumpy on edge wanting to escape "flight" but I had made it should I be glad of this minor achievement .......Dad later commented "Fancy letting your mother see you like that" could he not understand I tried, No to him I was an embarrassment I failed to live up to what he wanted that was his daughter a mirror image almost of himself a tough hard character
After mum died he was suicidal I wanted to be there for him, instead I got the usual rejection he said he wanted someone tough not weak emotionally like me he wanted his daughter that is how its always been, over the years they were happy together for a while then they would have some dispute she would rob from him or attack him all this was forgivable as he would always make the distinction it is not her that does these things its the illness, I longed for the love & comfort he gave her but it never happened.
So now he is very old they fell out & he is in hospital God knows how long he has left, his daughter is not allowed to visit & me well I tried I got 1/2 way past reception up stairs & the corridor lay ahead open empty the shiny tiles make it worse somehow at the end would be 25 beds Dad in one no doubt not happy to see me & ready to put me down to remark on other peoples perfect family & that I & my nerves are an embarrassment I sweated frozen with fear & left feeling a failure, I had a brief chat with the lady on reception mentioned the dreaded agoraphobia, she seemed to understand a little I left her with a card that read Thinking of you Dad - I tried he probably will be mystified & I probably will never see him again but I needed to vent - thanks for listening
